If I Knew Then
by NocturnalAstroMonkey
Summary: "It is only now that I see the gravity of my choosing Edward.  It is only now that I realize what it is I have left behind."


**Disclaimer: I unfortunately do NOT own Twilight or anything associated with it.**

**A/N: ****I was listening to 'Back to December' by Taylor Swift and this just popped into my head. **

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I was wrong. I had two choices and I made the wrong one…..but I couldn't see it then. And it's only now that I'm alone that I can see it now.

How young and foolish I must've been not to see what was right in front of me? He tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen…..now I wish I had.

That moment is on constant replay and I always find myself wishing I could go back; wishing I could tell him what he meant to me. But my chance is gone.

It hurts to think of the life he is living now. I should be happy just knowing that he is happy but I'm not. How could I ever be happy knowing that some other girl is living the life I could've had? Why did I have to be so stupid?

I miss everything about him. The way he held me in his arms; the safety and comfort I've never found anywhere else. Why did I throw that away? Did I really think I could find it elsewhere? How could I think that cold, dead arms could hold me that way?

The warmth of his smile; that smile had once been for me but things are different now. Someone else is basking in the warmth of that smile; someone else is the cause of that smile now.

No one's ever loved me the way he did; I was crazy to think anyone else ever could. Sometimes when I'm left alone with my thoughts, I pretend that I'm back there again.

I see myself making a different choice…..the right choice. I see his eyes shining with his love for me. I feel his arms wrap around me and pull me into the warmest hug I've ever known. I hear his whispers of forever and I hear mine echoed back. I hear myself saying '_I love you_'.

But then something snaps me back into reality and I'm all alone.

I made the wrong choice. I saw his eyes shining with unshed tears; the pain and hurt that I caused. His arms settled at his side; the warmth disappearing. There were no whispers that night, at least not from his lips. I wish I had uttered those three words but I only uttered one…_ Goodbye._

I wounded him so deeply…..I broke his heart and trampled across it; a bullet to the chest would've been kinder than what I did. But I couldn't see that then.

And it's only now that I've been left alone that I began to see the consequences of the choice I made.

This life had once been all I wanted; I had craved it….begged for it. But the life I had imagined would never come to be.

Edward eventually turned me, but it was never because he wanted to. It was never because he loved me; never because he desired eternity with me. He'd fought so long to remain in control, but I was always pushing; always begging for more than he was capable of giving. I'd once thought it touching…endearing…..a sign of love…that he refused to touch me the way I needed; I'd thought he'd doubted his ability to remain in control and his refusals were mere attempts at saving me. But I was wrong.

It was never about control; never about his love for me. My blood was far too sweet. I'd always thought his love for me would prevent him from truly harming me; I'd always thought his love for me kept him from attacking me anytime my blood was spilt. But once again I was wrong.

I was Edward's singer and I didn't realize until it was too late that that had been his only attraction to me. I was a game…..a test of sorts. How blind I had been, to never see him for he what he truly was. How naïve I had been to believe he ever truly loved me. He left me once and that should've been my clue….but he was so skilled at weaving his deceitful little web. He'd dazzled me from the start; made it impossible to ever really live without him. I was caught in a trap; if only I'd been smart enough to see.

Life ended swiftly for me. One moment I was alive and in the next his venom was pouring into my veins; he drank my blood like a man who had gone one hundred years without water. I didn't even have time to question him; there was no time for me to plea. But there was just enough time for me to see that his eyes held no love for me.

The fire burned through me for what felt like centuries. I could feel my heart struggling to beat; struggling to pump blood through my body. But the venom polluted my blood and I could feel my organs being ravaged by that poison. Every part of me was alight with pain; the fire soaring through my veins and turning me into the one thing I had once longed to become. Through that torture I tried to retain memories of the life I was leaving behind; each face flashing for a brief moment before my mind was overrun by the flames. Regret and sorrow found their way in between those moments of immense pain…but it was too late for that now.

When I awoke, Edward wasn't there but the rest of the Cullen's were. It was clear that my sudden change had pained them; for as much as they wanted me to become a part of their family, they hadn't wanted for it to happen this way.

In the days after my change I was volatile and unpredictable. No one spoke of Edward and he made no appearances. They tiptoed around me and never spoke to me unless I spoke to them first. I tried to rein in my anger but it was impossible; even Jasper's gift couldn't help me. I couldn't reconcile the Edward I had loved with the monster who had turned me so violently.

Becoming a vampire had once been the thing I desired most; but when my heart finally ceased its beating, I wished for nothing more than to be human. How sad it is to realize all too late just how precious a human life is.

Now as time passes and I watch the world around me changing as I remain the same, I long to be anything but what I am.

It is only now that I see the gravity of my choosing Edward. It is only now that I realize what it is I have left behind. Growing older had once been my greatest fear; but now that I will only age in years and not appearance, I wish I had spent more time enjoying my humanity instead of cursing it.

If only I could go back in time; go back to that day when I had two choices that I could make….I would choose differently.

But I can't.

I should've chosen Jacob, but I didn't.

And I will regret it for all of eternity.

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**A/N: Feel free to review and let me know what you think.**


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